Don't Quote Me On This

I've always been a fan of quotes. I'm also an avid supporter of humor. The combination of the two creates a land of wonder and surprises, kind of like Willy Wonka's chocolate factory (without the creepy, child-deforming candy production processes). During my mission, I kept a list of my very favorite quotes, whether they were funny, inspiring, thought-provoking, or completely idiotic. I thought I'd use up some of cyberspace to show y'all a few of my favorites, both funny and otherwise. Feel free to copy them down, but if the FBI comes knocking at your door, you don't know me.

Enjoy.


"Hope is not the conviction that something will work out well, but the certainty that something makes sense regardless of how it turns out."
     -Vaclov Havel

"When you see a married couple coming down the street, the one who is two or three steps ahead is the one that's mad."
     -Helen Rowland

"Never judge another, for they are fighting a great battle."
     -Petrarch

"I'd like to be a procrastinator, but I never seem to get around to it."
     -Chris Dundee

"When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're the one smiling and everyone around you is crying."
     -Laura Fletcher

"As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind- every part of this capsule was supplied by the lowest bidder."
     -John Glenn

"I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying FLEE AT ONCE- ALL IS DISCOVERED. They all left town immediately."
     -Mark Twain.

"It's hard to read someone's mind when the pages are blank."
     -Jimmy Peavy

"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always to that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great."
     -Mark Twain
"Give a man a fire and he's warm for the day. But set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life."
     -Terry Pratchett

"Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we might oft win by fearing to attempt."
     -William Shakespeare

"How people think about themselves is often defined by what language you use to describe them."
    -Anonymous

"I used to have an inferiority complex. Then I realized that I was inferior."
     -Elder Finklea

"Life is not a rigid business of being, but a lively process of becoming."
     -Ford Lewis

"The average pencil is seven inches long, with just a half-inch eraser - in case you thought optimism was dead."
     -Robert Brault

"All great ideas look like bad ideas to people who are losers. It's always good to test a new idea with known losers to make sure they don't like it."
     -Scott Adams

"As I grow older, I pay less attention to what men say. I just watch what they do."
     -Andrew Carnegie

"I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, 'denigrate' means to 'put down.'"
     -Bob Newhart

"An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make a better soup."
     -H. L. Mencken

"Two things are infinite: the Universe, and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the Universe."
     -Albert Einstein

"For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness."
     -Ralph Waldo Emerson

"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up."
     -Phyllis Diller
"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."
    -Dr. Seuss