Monday, January 30, 2012

Don't Quote Me On This

I've always been a fan of quotes. I'm also an avid supporter of humor. The combination of the two creates a land of wonder and surprises, kind of like Willy Wonka's chocolate factory (without the creepy, child-deforming candy production processes). During my mission, I kept a list of my very favorite quotes, whether they were funny, inspiring, thought-provoking, or completely idiotic. I thought I'd use up some of cyberspace to show y'all a few of my favorites, both funny and otherwise. Feel free to copy them down, but if the FBI comes knocking at your door, you don't know me.


"Hope is not the conviction that something will work out well, but the certainty that something makes sense regardless of how it turns out."
     -Vaclov Havel

"When you see a married couple coming down the street, the one who is two or three steps ahead is the one that's mad."
     -Helen Rowland

"Never judge another, for they are fighting a great battle."

"I'd like to be a procrastinator, but I never seem to get around to it."
     -Chris Dundee

"When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're the one smiling and everyone around you is crying."
     -Laura Fletcher

"As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind- every part of this capsule was supplied by the lowest bidder."
     -John Glenn

"I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying FLEE AT ONCE- ALL IS DISCOVERED. They all left town immediately."
     -Mark Twain.

"It's hard to read someone's mind when the pages are blank."
     -Jimmy Peavy

"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always to that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great."
     -Mark Twain
"Give a man a fire and he's warm for the day. But set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life."
     -Terry Pratchett

"Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we might oft win by fearing to attempt."
     -William Shakespeare

"How people think about themselves is often defined by what language you use to describe them."

"I used to have an inferiority complex. Then I realized that I was inferior."
     -Elder Finklea

"Life is not a rigid business of being, but a lively process of becoming."
     -Ford Lewis

"The average pencil is seven inches long, with just a half-inch eraser - in case you thought optimism was dead."
     -Robert Brault

"All great ideas look like bad ideas to people who are losers. It's always good to test a new idea with known losers to make sure they don't like it."
     -Scott Adams

"As I grow older, I pay less attention to what men say. I just watch what they do."
     -Andrew Carnegie

"I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, 'denigrate' means to 'put down.'"
     -Bob Newhart

"An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make a better soup."
     -H. L. Mencken

"Two things are infinite: the Universe, and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the Universe."
     -Albert Einstein

"For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness."
     -Ralph Waldo Emerson

"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up."
     -Phyllis Diller
"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."
    -Dr. Seuss

Thursday, January 26, 2012

"What If...?"

One day, physics and imagination got together to devise a prank on all of humanity. I call it the "What If...?" principle. You've heard of it before, but probably never like this.

However many times a day/week/month, each one of us finds ourselves in a situation that has a potentially fantastic (but very unlikely) ending. For example, you snag a Snickers bar, and the label lets you know that they're giving away a $500,000 cash prize to whoever is lucky enough to find the green-colored salmon hiding under the wrapper (or something like that). You then ask yourself, "What if I was the one with the salmon...?" You open the candy, and find instead a fuchsia-hued grizzly bear. Oh well...

You Lose.

 Or maybe you're walking around the mall, and you see the back of someone's head, and you're instantly reminded of that crush you had in 10th grade. "I wonder if, after so many years, I happen to bump into them? Wouldn't that be nuts?" Turns out, it's not that heart-throb from the hormone-laden years of high school, but rather a guy whose mullet looks just like your crush's curly locks from 50 yards. The only damage done: an awkward cringe.

But sometimes that salmon is hiding in that wrapper. That person is your old crush, who, turns out, had (and still has) a crush on you, too. It's those few times when the "What if...?" principle pulls through, and you're left dumbfounded at the intricate complexities of the Universe. Or at how pretty your ex (current?) crush's eyes are.

Why am I rambling on about all this? Because the "What If...?" complex has a nasty side, and y'all need to be warned. Story time:

Yesterday, I was making a Walmart run with my roommates, and I spotted one of the three sodas that I'll actually seek out: Sangria. I'm not really sure what it's flavored after (I'm not sure anyone is...), but it's fantastic nonetheless. I snagged two of them, and picked up a gallon of milk.

Beautiful, delicious Sangria.

While making my way to the check-out register, I had a random, from-out-in-left-field thought (most "What If...?" questions are). I mused to myself: "What if I dropped one of these? Would they break or survive the fall?"

About 2.58 seconds after that thought made its way through my brain, I felt one of the bottles slip between my fingers. I have to admit, it was kind of cool to see time slowing down while that thing fell to its doom. I'm 6'6", folks. When I drop glass, it's a goner.

After bashfully explaining what had happened to the Walmart lady, I checked out and we headed home. On the way up the stairs, I wondered what would happen if my bag gave out. I looked down, and noticed a gaping hole, through which one of my bottles was trying to escape. I snagged it in time, though. I thought, "Wouldn't it be ironic if I almost lost it again?" That's when I slipped on the ice, and nearly dropped my bag.

I'd caught on by then: don't tempt fate about your stupid drink! After getting inside, I set down my bags and started to unload them while telling some friends what had happened. Someone made the mistake of asking, "What if they broke?" That's when my other bottle slipped, and came down on the counter, barely surviving. Before I was jinxed again, I scurried to put into the fridge, after, of course, fixing the shelf that tried to fall off as soon as I put that bottle in there.

You see? Physics and your random thoughts can give you a few "Wow!" moments, but also a few other ones that I can't name, as this is a family-friendly site. The moral of the story? If a random "What If...?" thought invades your brain, don't discard it. Sure, 99% of them don't materialize, but when that 1% does... Stay on your toes. Nature herself just might be pranking you.

Oh, and the Sangria was delicious, by the way.


P.S. If y'all have any ideas of what needs to be voiced to the Universe on this blog, stick it in the comments section. Grazie!

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

The Beginning of Something Good-ish

Hello, people of Earth!

                                                    You are here

It seems as though you've found my blog, "Mark (My Words)." Some of you may be asking yourselves, "What's this blog all about?", "What's Mark going to write about?", or "Who's Mark?"

The answer to two of those questions: this blog is about the world. It's a fantastic place, really. But, in case you haven't noticed, there are some things about it that can be a little... screwy. Some may call them imperfections or mess-ups. I call them golden. They give life a little character, and sometimes, the weird/funny/ironic stuff on this planet is what makes it so great.

So, in a nutshell, that's what this blog is all about: finding those things that make our world unique, funny, frustrating, ironic, or plain 'ol messed up, and writing them down. Someday, these chronicles may be condensed, transmitted into space, picked up by an alien civilization millions of years from now, and provide a healthy, humorous snapshot of human civilization and thought.

Or, everyone will get bored of it, and it'll join the ranks of Friendster and MySpace. Only time will tell.

If y'all have any ideas of what to put under the microscope next, let me know.

And that's that. Buckle up, folks. We're going for a ride. A hilarious ride.